This is a Test

"And we know that in ALL things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

This past Monday I took the GRE. Unlike my usual self, though, I didn't let this scary three-lettered acronym intimidate me. I went through a couple practice exams over the last month, but that was the extent of my "preparation". But I felt ready enough, until Friday when, thanks to my little nephew, I started to feel that something was not right. I felt sick... it was the flu. 

Unlike most types of flu, the most annoying, dominant symptom to this assortment was a pounding, persistent headache. And night sweats. As the weekend went by, there was not much improvement to my condition, and when Sunday night rolled around, I began to look into canceling my GRE appointment. As the pit in my stomach revealed itself and the throbbing in my head chimed in, I told myself that four hours staring at a computer, when it was tough enough to sit up, was an unrealistic option. But as 12:30 on Monday afternoon approached, I chose to follow through with the original plan and take the GRE. And my headache was gone the whole time (though it later returned in full force)! What a relief to have such a "burden" taken off my shoulders, and to be able to focus on friends, school and work more fully now that this is behind me.

All of this test taking got me to thinking about the last standardized exam I took. I knew it wasn't the SAT, since AP exams ruled my life the last month of my senior year of high school. I finally recalled that the last of the series was AP English. At this remembrance, an eye-twitching shutter shimmied down my spine. As I walked my mind and my dad back through the story, I told of how ninety dollars went down the drain on that dreadful day. As test-taking tippers will advocate, it is always wise to write your answers down on the questions sheet, then to go back before time is up to fill in all the bubbles on the scantron sheet. Well, I followed this advice about halfway through its instructions, but I failed to bring to completion the "before time is up" part. I had left over thirty questions blank on my scantron sheet, the only sheet exam-grading machines care about. Odds of anyone passing after that mess-up? Slim to none. But I held out hope when scores came in the mail mid-July, and all hope was crushed when I received a measly score of 2 out of a possible 5. 

That was it. I would be forced to take English in college. At the time, I was both embarrassed for my mistake and a little disheartened by the reality of the situation. I didn't really want to be reading Shakespeare or writing researching papers, after I had just spent an entire year in the pursuit of avoiding these very tasks. 

Looking back, I am so very thankful for this mistake, and the blessing it has incurred upon me these last few years. Had it not been for my carelessness, I would not have taken English in college. I would never have considered a career or future in English. This gives me some hope in future mishaps, to be able to see where even something we fail at can be used to bring us happiness and fulfillment later on. God places everything in our lives- the encouraging, the overwhelming, the trivial and the insurmountable- all for a purpose. Every test is placed both for our growing in faith, and for the revealing of His glory. To maintain a perspective on matters and realize that He is in control of every tiny circumstance, is to understand the larger picture rather than to dwell on the tiny pixels that may overwhelm us from time to time.

Her Last Tip

"Caroline, you have to stay," Delores said. I remember it so clearly, power walking around the Onassis Reservoir of Central Park, cell phone in hand and ear buds in tact. I hadn't even been in New York a full month yet, and I was already thinking about returning home. I had promised myself that Delores would be my go to, that I would not call my mom and worry her when I was homesick. I knew Delores would be able to pick me up, but this time was different, and I had already been in touch with my mom about advancing my return date.

"I know, Delores. I wish I could stay," I replied, wiping tears from my face. "But it's just hard when I miss my family, when I feel like I don't really have a purpose for being here, and when I worry all the time about money. I don't know if I can do it. My mom's been looking at flights and I think I'm going to book one soon."

"I know, I already talked to her about it. She called me about an hour ago, but I didn't give her the answer she was looking for. I told her what I'm telling you now, and that is you need to stay, Caroline. Think about all the people you've met and still will meet. Think about all of the things you've gotten to see already. I know it can get lonely sometimes, but you'll learn so much from being on your own. When will you ever have a chance to live in New York again?" 

I promised to think about all she had said but ultimately ended our hour long phone call with the mindset that I would, indeed, be returning home from my New York summer before most people's summers had even begun. I started thinking about what I would tell people and what steps I would take when I got back home to South Carolina. As I let the reality settle, I began to think about Delores. Delores, who had raised me and my sisters from little Buckeyes to sweet, Southern girls. Delores, who I had told to "get a life" at the ripe age of eighteen months. Delores, from whom I had inherited the vey love of adventure and travel that got me to New York in the first place. Delores, who had anxiously planned out her visit to see me in New York, around the middle of June. Delores, who became too weak to visit me in New York as planned. Delores, who was too sick to even travel from the hospital to her home in Bellbrook. 

When I had finished berating myself for the selfishness and self-pity I had succumbed to, for complaining about being lonely in New York City, for having thought for a second that I deserved any sympathy, I turned my thought process quickly around and called my mom before she could book a return flight. I was determined to finish out my summer, to make the most of every day in New York, for Delores. I set out to live with intention, and I began each morning with a pen and a French Press in my second story walk up in Queens, reminding myself of this truth. No, things did not necessarily get easier. I did not magically miss my family, friends, the beach and Chick-fil-a any less because I had decided to stay in New York. But when sadness, doubt and anxiety would overcome me, I instead thanked God for the opportunity He had given me, for the health He had blessed me with, and for the strong support of family and friends that would always be a phone call away. 

From Delores, I learned to live with intention. To make the most of every day, rain or shine, whether I had made $4 in tips, or $140. Whether I passed by a thousand others and talked to none of them, or whether I had met a new best friend. I learned to wake up and embrace that New York contagiousness that is intention, self-improvement, and ambition. I learned to do what I love while I still have the time. 

And on my very last night in New York, Delores called and left a voicemail. It is still on my phone and will be for awhile. Though she had little more than a month of life left in her, with the strongest voice she could muster, Delores said to me, "Carolina! Tomorrow you're on your way. I'm so proud of you for making it through this. And what a good time you had, what a good decision, Caroline. I know you're busy with all your friends so I'll talk to you in a few days when you are home." What a good decision it was, indeed. And what a bad decision it would have been had it not been for my Delores. She's through speaking her mind to me now, but she will always be speaking her heart.

It's unbelievably hard when you lose your biggest fan in life, but I have decided that living with intention, and living to the fullest while you still can is the only way to go forth in a way that makes any sense at all. 

"Trust in the Lord and do good. Commit your way to the Lord; trust Him and He will do this: He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication shine like the noonday sun." Psalm 37: 3, 5-6

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18